But this is the funniest piece of writing I’ve read in a while:
This one night [my neighbors] invited me to come to dinner with them. And so, like I do with everyone I despise, I went out with them.
Now this was before I had discovered Ativan, so the only remedy I had for social anxiety was drinking beverages such as Hennessy and amaretto sours; in this case a White Russian was also involved. Plus a bottle of wine. I basically opted to behave as if it were my final callback for Flavor of Love. So cut to me, shitfaced.
Now here’s the thing: Most people slowly sober up. They gradually regain consciousness and awareness. Not me. I violently snap into sobriety–usually in the middle of some shameful and/or unhygienic act. So, this particular night, I go from ordering a delicious salad to having the guy’s cock in my mouth and the girl’s mouth on my cooter. I am smack in the middle of a threesome. To answer the implied question, no, I don’t know if it was consensual. We can’t even get into that minor point right now, because a stranger’s cock is in my mouth.
I had never been in a threesome before, and I found it very complicated. There is a lot to juggle in a threesome: penis, balls, her vagina, her boobs, your boobs, your vagina, shame, avoiding genital warts…
So the next thing that happens is he unceremoniously removes his penis from mouth–I would have liked to have had some say in the matter–and repositions himself to start having sex with his girlfriend from behind. Now she’s eating me out and he’s doing her from behind so her face is jamming into my cooter. Like, I’m getting fucked by her face. It feels, like, fine. I mean, it’s a face. She is sort of mousy, so I don’t fee much. It’s not like she’s Adrien Brody. Having sex with Adrien Brody’s face would be a different story.
I don’t know what to do with my hands, so I just do what every guy I’ve ever blown in the back of a car does. I place my hand on her head and do the “steering wheel” (how guys put their hands on the back of our heads and sort of tilt their heads and watch). I’m just trying not to make eye contact.
They both abruptly get up at the same time and thrust their respective genitals into my face. He puts his cock in my face, and she puts her vagina in my face. Which, by the way, is not shaved. Full bush. I’d always been a defender of the full bush in support of feminism, but that was before I had to put my finger in one. Ladies: Clean it up. If you’re going to date-rape your neighbor, the least you can do is trim the box. Don’t be tacky.
So the girl takes my hand and guides me. Apparently she wants me to finger her and jerk him off. Simultaneously.
Just as a side note: There is no music during this ordeal. In times like these you learn not take music for granted. Can a girl get some Now That’s What I call Music, Volume 17 or something? But here there is nothing to drown out the sounds of regret.
I try to find a rhythm of jerking him off and fingering her at the same time. It’s basically an updated version of the head-pat/belly-rub. And I’ve never fingered a girl, so I’m sort of aimlessly stabbing her uterus. It is so warm in there. I’m weirded out by it, so I behave like a Fear Factor contestant, wincing and grunting. Then they start making out above my head, so they close in on me and I have even less room to do my thing. And now my arms are getting tired, and hand jobs are already difficult because I never know what angle works. Like, for hand jobs I usually just use my vagina. So my arm muscles are burning.
But I’m not a quitter. My parents did not raise me to give up. So I work harder. Some crazy adrenaline kicks in, and in my mind I hear, Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! I just start milking like crazy and I hear him mumble something but I can’t be stopped and then he ejaculates. Not on my face, but basically– it hits my shoulder and is in my hand.
I’m thinking, Nailed it. I just went from guest star to recurring, right? Wrong. The girl flips out. She starts yelling at him. She’s pissed that he just did his thing. So she’s screaming because I guess there is a rule between couples that you have to, like, finish with each other, not with the random neighbor. So they’re literally naked fighting. She starts crying and I’m holding cum in my had, which I promptly wipe on the couch. Then she starts yelling at me. She calls me a whore. I was like, “Me? A whore? Yeah, for sure.” That’s fair. It’s sort of hard to defend your honor when you’re holding jizz in your hand.
Something I learned from this experience: Threesomes suck because you have to live with the fact that you gave two people herpes. And that two people don’t call you back the next day.
— Written by Whitney Cummings, excerpted from “Whore Next Door”, from “Worst Laid Plans”.