158 minutes of apocalypse bukkake

You know who I love? I love anyone who hated this movie because I would like to fight them to the death for being wrong as balls. Fuckouttahere. I wanna be on the 2012 thrill park ride, playing 2012 on my Nintendo DS, eating the 2012-branded chocotaco and watching this movie at the same time because I am greedy for this brand of INCREDIBLEBANANASINCREDIBLE. Everyone who says otherwise may as well have written their reviews on their faces in marker because they are obviously batshit crazy and should be ignored. Seriously, will somebody tell me what people expected other than 158 minutes of apocalypse BUKKAKE? Roland Emmerich knows how to destroy himself some world and sure it isn’t so much a story but a sprayfest of rapid-fire money shots but what else would it be? And what else would make it THIS AWESOME? It’s like the movie has ultra-oxygenated blood and sleeps upside down in a hyperbaric chamber and eats tiger penis like it’s its job because it has psycho endurance that feels GREAT in your brain.

As I’ve spent more time as a blogger (and yes, I’ve finally accepted that I am one) a few of my friends and family have encouraged me to get into journalism. And sometimes I do think about it. And then I read pieces like this on Awl from Mary HK Choi, my #2 favorite pop culture blogger, and I realize no, I’m sticking to blogging.

I saw 2012 this weekend. It was…horrible. Easily the worst movie I’ve seen in years, and believe me, I’m no movie snob. Shit, at least 27 Dresses had a group sing-a-long, which for me will bring any horrible movie back from the dead. It was 2 and half hours of complete insanity, and not in a good way.

Spoiler alert: Basically, a sun flare causes the world to implode into itself. The G8 find out about this in 2009 and proceed to come up with “contingency plans”. What are those plans, you might ask? Arks. What? Yeah, you heard me. ARKS. Huge arks that to house the selected few who have been chosen (*cough*paid money for the seats*cough) to start a new world after EVERYONE ON THE PLANET GETS SWALLOWED UP INTO THE EARTH. There is even a scene where helicopters are seen flying giraffes and elephants and shit to drop off on the arks.

But as much as I hated the movie, I can’t argue, at all, with HK’s 2012 defense. Mainly because it has so many awesome lines, like this:

The only gripe I do have is with that the Internet straight-up does not exist in 2012 because seriously they just Photoshopped it out of the picture and that’s some horseshit because the Twitter feed would’ve been HILARIOUS (#drowninghurts).

Anyway, read the review. It is, to me, blog writing at it’s finest.

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